The Missing Corkscrew: A Tragic Tale | Root7

The Missing Corkscrew: A Tragic Tale | Root7

We’ve all had one of those days where a BIG glass of wine is all you need to make you feel that ♫ every little thing is gonna be alright  . You totally sang that bit in your head, didn’t you?

You’ve kept your temper in check during rush hour and just want to go home. You slowly drag yourself (or sprint or whatever) to your wine rack only to discover you have no means of opening a bottle of vino.

“#$@&%*! great”, you say aloud to yourself as your mind goes into ‘I-need-wine-NOW’ overdrive. Rummaging through your kitchen drawers you come to the conclusion that your corkscrew has grown legs. After what we hope was some serious contemplation, it decided to pursue its lifelong dream to be in the corkscrew circus, leaving you cold and alone.

The first step you take to avoid a complete meltdown is to Google all the possible ways to open this much needed bottle. As you hold back a bleat of pure agony you get down to reading a plethora of methods people claim will resolve your problem.

The most common method is to to knock the wine bottle against the wall while placing it inside your shoe. Seems simple enough until you have grown tired of repeatedly banging the bottle against the wall feeling like you are playing whack-a-mole, with a blind fold on, sitting backwards, while receiving instructions in Klingon.

Alright, let’s see hmmm… The hammer method – it looks interesting enough. After reading a bit more you start to think, actually, on second thought that’s absurd so I am totally skipping that option. Honestly, who opens a bottle of wine with a hammer anyway? I suppose it could work but the risk of breaking the bottle just isn’t worth it.

Third time lucky! Right! Pushing the cork. While this method may leave you with cork inhabited wine or a broken pen, you never know you might just be the 162 893th person to actually get this one right. Place the wine on a steady surface… take a thick marker… PUSH! Great, now your cork is stuck half way down the bottle neck while the wine gets infiltrated by a cork-bit army. Argh!

NEXT! Knife method – nope. I am sure you enjoy being the owner of 10 fingers!

Scissors – yea no!


Scroll… that is a negative


Then it dawns on you. Screw tainting another bottle of wine, just go knock on the neighbour’s door. If they are not home or don’t have a corkscrew (in which case, you should unfriend them on Facebook) it is back to looking online for other dangerous methods that might just work.

As a life lesson to your future self, before you become a wannabe bottle opening Bear Grylls again, just buy a proper corkscrew! To make your life easier we only stock the most durable corkscrew brands to ensure you never have to worry about buying another one again.